Category: Humor


Names of “Talkatives”

That dreaded list; making our puny hearts pound like we were on a death row.
He only has to utter,“…give me the names of “talkatives” when I get back!” and a deafening silence is left in its wake. Well maybe not for long. There are those who have got guts or they just can’t help keeping a vow
of silence. The ‘traitors’ called upon to do the treacherous act of penning the names, literally and figuratively rise to the occasion, grinning from ear to ear. “I will show him/her/them wicked!” They pull out sheets from
exercise books with such loudness that could tear your heart apart and fold them into strips with the tip of their fingers like they were sharpening execution axes ruthlessly. Then they beautifully design the title “Names
of Talkatives” and set to work with one rule in mind: no culprits mean trouble.
He/she scans the classroom looking for victims. Surveillance is sometimes met with threats from daring boys with clenched fists repeatedly kissing their cheeks, invariably referring to the awaiting episode after school
in the (in)famous brawling grounds popularly known as “Atsiame”(woodlot). Adamant culprits have d.p (double punishment) splashed against their names. Stubborn ones would even ask you to write d.p against their
names once they realize their names have been inked in.
Then comes the moment of truth when the teacher walks in. Sometimes he deliberately waits a while. Sometimes he forgets till the next day. Sometimes never. But the times he does remember, it is hell for the
culprits. Pain is dished out by canes from different races that have been well bred to do their master’s bidding. Well bred in the sense that they have been drenched and dipped in all manner of preparations ranging
from water to petrol, even kept in deep freezers(!), all in the bid to increase the size, weight and girth of the canes themselves and the pain they induce. Some are draped in clothing made of different types of Scotch
tapes in assorted colours. The teacher’s pet! He even has names for them. Joe Blackie (that’s the only one I can remember cos that’s the one I feared most, hehehe). “Bring me my Joe Blackie!”
There are ways of enduring the pain. Just by adding more shorts underneath your school shorts or skirt, you can be partially or totally insulated. Or simply undertake a course in “beatings”- a game where you inflict
pain on each other, by caning, in turns, so as to get used to the pain (hehehehehe). Want to get even? Simply remember to take that piece which breaks off after you or someone has been caned and dip it in soaked
gari, overnight, when you get home. Don’t be surprised the next day to find your teacher with a swollen hand or arm (hehehehe. Childhood superstitions. Fantasies. *shaking my head*).
Next time try to keep your mouth shut during that curfew imposed on your tongue if your buttocks are still sore. Just read a book!

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From your elementary biology, voluntary actions are activities under the control of the brain, blah blah blah whereas involuntary actions are activities that occur without thought or not under the control of the brain. Now take a closer look at this ‘scientific paradox’ (love to call it that, if I may); Involuntary talking. A Mystique Mysterious huh? Absolutely impossible (French accent).

OK  here’s the argument. Have you ever been caught in a situation where you just babble out words unreasonably and without meaning, cos you’ve been startled (or say woken up from the world of Morpheus only to meet questions from your teacher stampeding towards you). Well there’s your involuntary talking. Absurd huh? Here’s how it was propounded:

“                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         31-3-09
…roll was being conducted and someone’s name was mentioned. Apparently he was chatting or doing something else and wasn’t attentive. Upon getting to know his name had been mentioned, he responded in much confused state of mind, “sss-ii-rr prre- yyeess pprr sssir sir present sir!” Not that he’s a stammerer. He’s just undergoing what Kofi Dei, after a ‘quick deductive thinking’, calls the phenomenon of Involuntary Talking.”
– from my high school diary.

Mystique Mysterious: a mysterious character in Benjamin Kwakye’s The Clothes of Nakedness.

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